Just recently I joined a book club at my daughter’s
elementary school. It is made up of the
school counselor, the school’s director of safe schools and 10 moms. Seven of the moms are elementary school
mothers, 2 are middle school mothers and one is a high school mother. All are mothers of girls, except one.
We’re reading the book “Queen Bees and Wannabees” and
discussing the social dynamic at the elementary, middle and high school levels. I joined the book club after my daughter
began to have some social issues with other girls at school. I was amazed at how young girls are starting
to form cliques, leave girls out, embarrass each other and bully. I use the word “bully” carefully. According to StopBullying.gov, a bullying is
unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power
imbalance. Bullying is repeated over
time and includes acts spreading gossip, making threats, attacking someone and
excluding someone on purpose.
My daughter’s bullying issue went something like this. Multiple times a week, the same little girl
would tell my daughter what to do and if she didn’t, she would tell my daughter’s
friends not to talk to her or play with her.
This went on for three months, while I attempted to give my daughter the
best advice that I could come up with.
During this time, I searched and searched for answers on how to teach
her to handle this on her own.
Over the last few years, I’ve gained many resources to help
not only my daughter deal with situations such as that, but also to teach my
students how to handle similar situations.
Currently, in my book club, we’re reading the book, “Queen Bees and
Wannabees.” I’ve found it to be very
informative thus far. It brings
attention to the social issues that girls are dealing with today. It offers suggestions on how to handle girls
that give your daughter/students a hard time.
Another great book that I found is called “Little Girls Can Be Mean.” This book focuses on the early years of
elementary school and how to teach girls to handle social challenges. These resources have benefited me, but
sometimes, kids need their own resources (not just their mom) to give them suggestions. For my daughter, the American Girl self-help
books have been pivotal. There are many
different books, such as “Stand Up For Yourself and Your Friends,” and “Friendship
Troubles.”
What kinds of social issues are you seeing at your teaching level? What kinds of resources or lessons have you found to be helpful to your own children or your students, girls or boys, deal with social challenges, such as cliques and
bullying?
Stop Bullying.
Information retrieved from: http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/.
Last year, my first at the middle school level, I was surprised at how mean the sixth grade girls were to each other. Fortunately, a year later, these girls seem much more tolerant of each other and their differences. This was due, not only to maturation, but also to the new administration's expectations which were constantly reinforced by rewards and expectations for appropriate behavior.
ReplyDeleteOne of the programs used taught the victims how not to set themselves up to be targeted. I think this was one of the most important components. Children need to have confidence and the ability to show others that they feel this way. Most people (and children) are uncomfortable being around bullies. Exuding confidence without confrontation can carry students a long way in dealing with this important issue.
Twelve years ago, when I was a middle school teacher, I read the book "Odd Girl Out- The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls" by Rachel Simmons. My eyes were opened. Immediately, all these little things I had seen in my classrooms for years fell into place. Being male, I had been a stranger in a strange land in trying to understand what the middle school girls in my classes were doing to each other. I knew something was going on, but what?
ReplyDeleteNow, all the little looks, the ever-changing cliques, the whispers, all made sense. The girls were ostracizing each other, sometimes even bullying each other, in a way that as a male was unrecognizable. But now I saw.
My daughter too experienced this. It began in 4th grade. A new girl moved in and immediately began manipulating the girls around her to form cliques and shun others. What had been a peaceful class of girls that got along, became a pool of quicksand where one never knew where to step.
These issues continue into high school, the level I currently teach at. Only now the covert is mixed with the overt, and physical aggression is not uncommon. Most of the drama (now named such) centers around boyfriend issues, and incredible amounts of time are spent online, spinning the drama into unbelievable proportions.
My solution to this is Restorative Justice circles. Borrowed from Native American traditions, these circles bring all interested parties together to have a moderated dialog whose goal is to heal the victims and the perpetrators. We facilitate conversations which allow real communication to happen. Ridding ourselves of the rumor mill, the truth can emerge, understandings begin to develop, and without the support of dysfunctional "friends" to poison the waters, the group can begin to understand the source of misunderstanding.
Restorative Justice is a powerful process. It should not be undertaken lightly, One should be trained as a facilitator to run a circle.But done well it can be a powerful antidote to bullying and harassment. It can bring people back to a place of peaceful coexistence. I wish we used it more often! -Jim
Thanks for sharing about Restorative Justice, Jim. I'm definitely interested in learning more about this. After 12 years of teaching, I recently switched grades, looking for something else but not sure what that something was. This might just be something that I may be willing to conquer.
DeleteThis past school year, my district has adopted the Character Counts program and are implementing it K-12. Our yearly student surveys indicated that bullying is a problem at all levels, though, it is most prevalent in middle school among girls and cyber-bullying. My school is trying a preventive approach to bullying by teaching good character at a young age in hopes of preventing others from becoming bullies. Isn't that the goal of many schools -- to create ethical, good people for society? Unfortunately, teaching character used to be something that was more so taught at home by the parents, but that is not the case any more. Many students come to school with poor examples of character in their home lives, and so the responsibility has fallen on the school to teach character. At the high school level, I know that teachers teaching character is not very effective. In order for change to occur, students need to see and hear from fellow students as leaders who will stand up against and not engage in bullying. Cyber-bullying is a difficult situation, too, as this can occur at school, at home, anywhere and not be seen by an adult perhaps until it is too late for some. Teaching respectful and appropriate internet behavior is what we try to do to help combat cyber-bullying, but it isn't always enough. Although I find it sad that we have to have a Character Ed program at school, I think it's a good approach to take preventive steps to stop bullying from happening in the first place rather than only using responsive measures that apply consequences for bullies. Both preventive and responsive programs should be present in a successful anti-bullying program. -Beth
ReplyDeleteBeth,
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting how social skills are addressed at the elementary level. In my district, the principal and guidance counselor do 5 lessons throughout the school year, which we teachers try to support in the classroom. Then, we use Second Step. Not sure if you've ever heard of it, but second step, I believe, is the biggest waste of time. It's a set of probably 20 cards with pictures on and scenarios and you read it and discuss with your students. Sooo... Since I've been on sabbatical this year, I've created social skill lessons for my students. Lessons that engage, educate and rely on them to follow through. I definitely think this is something that is way to overlooked in schools. At least in my district.
I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter has had to deal with girls not treating her right. I teach in a small Lutheran School and it takes place at our school too. I have a few books I’ve shared, but they aren’t anything special, couldn’t even tell you the titles. I know almost every year I’ve had to sit down and talk to my girls about this same type of thing. I usually tell them my rooster story. When I grew up we had roosters and when we first got roosters we didn’t realize that you can only have one rooster. So needless to say we had three. At first the two of the roosters worked together to gang up on one rooster, after it finally flew the coop and left. Then the other two roosters turned on each other. They paraded around thinking they were the best and of course wanted all the hens to think that too. The tougher rooster pecked and pecked, picked and picked, torment and torment the other rooster, which eventually died. I tell my girls that girls are like roosters, they want to be the top rooster. Crazy story I know, but it has always got my girls to thinking. Doesn’t always eliminate it, but makes them think. Thanks for your resources, I got them written down.
ReplyDeleteWow,that is an excellent illustration to explain to our kids and our students. Thanks for sharing! I will be using that in the future, for sure!!!
ReplyDeleteI have taught either fifth or sixth grade the last five years. Fortunately, I have not had very many circumstances in my classroom that have warranted me to intervene. However, knowing children will be children, I make it known to my students that they can come to me whenever they need. One of the worse scenarios that I've had to deal with was with a girl in my class who was cyberbullying another student in the same school, but in another room. When I was first notified of the incident, I addressed the entire class, by telling them that in no way is bullying acceptable, and is a very coward-like behavior. I also informed my class of other situations that have ended up badly. After my talk with the class, I spoke to our guidance counselor. She was able to come into my room to show a anti-bullying video and hold a conversation with them. I always use the line, "I'm more than angry, I'm disappointed!" I have found that rather than yelling and making myself look foolish, I address the issue by placing blame on the bully.
ReplyDeleteMindy,
ReplyDeleteI am a mom of a 15 year old and I teach 6th grade. I have seen, heard, and felt bullying. As a mom, I have always tried to teach my daughter that it is how she views herself that is important. I discuss what it was like for my friends and me and the things we experienced. My class is my family away from home. I have 24 kids that I see for 7 hours per day, 5 days a week. We have family meetings and discuss how our actions affect others. I stress respect of all people regardless if they are friends or not. We also have a great guidance program where our guidance counselor teaches lessons on bullying to all of the grade levels in our building.
We can all acknowledge you and your daughter are not alone. I have two boys and it is much the same with the opposite sex. My five year old came home with a bloody lip yesterday. He was bitten on the lip- YUCK! I am wondering if anyone can offer books on this topic for boys. So far, we have discovered Pete the Cat. He is pretty awesome for pre-K and K.
ReplyDeleteWe should also direct our attention to the parents. The old expression about the apple and tree is often so true. As an educator within higher education, I am sad to report there is more of the same with my students.
My daughter's school also does Character Counts. I think it is a pretty good proactive program (rather than reactive). She loves getting the "caught being good tickets" too -- although, I'm not sure they are part of that program, but a good reward nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteIt saddens me that so many of our children lack the social skills to know right from wrong when dealing with bullying. Sometimes I feel like I am blind to not see anything emerging from my classroom. I hear about some of the things people post on facebook or tweet on twitter, but I think they kids are really good at hiding their bullying tendencies in the classroom.
On the other hand, many times I am so busy making myself look like a fool that if they were going to make fun of anyone, it is me...and I'm okay with that. My dad said once (and I love this saying), "Well, if they are talking about me, then at least they aren't talking about someone else."
Mindy,
ReplyDeleteI am the mother of a 19 year old son and a 17 year old daughter. From my own experience, girls are meaner than boys. I have witnessed my son have disagreement with boys in his classes and in the same sport as he was but they said their peace and went on with their lives, in class together and playing sports together. Girls are not made up that way. Girls are mean. (I say this in the nicest way though!) I have seen my daughter come home from school and break down in tears because of something someone said to her while at school. I encouraged her to keep her distance from the bullies but that isn't always that easy. I also encouraged her to be friendly to all her classmates. Sometimes girls only have "one best friend" and when that one is mad at you, you are alone. As she got older her friends increased to both genders and she gravitated toward those who shared the same morals and standards as she does. She has a nice amount of friends of both genders and, as her time in school narrows, her ability to get along with many expands. It has not always been easy but she has grown as a young lady and has come to the reality that there are some people who you do not need to be your friend.
We are pretty black and white in our house. I don't candy coat anything for my kids. I feel that many students, my own two included, learn how to be kind or how to be mean first from their home life, and second from their life at school. Much of their tendencies stem from home.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteI used to sugar coat everything!! "Be nice," "Be kind", "How would you feel if..?" I'm sad to say but I've learned through my daughter's experience that being too nice isn't always a good thing. I found that by telling her to walk away, be kind no matter what, etc., I wasn't teaching her to stand up for herself and when the time came that a child wouldn't leave her alone, despite her efforts to get away, she didn't know what to do. With that said, I have now taught my daughter to stand up for herself by teaching her what to say and when to say it. It took me a while to figure it out, but that was the skill that she was lacking. She wanted to stand up for herself, but didn't know what to say, while still trying to be "nice." So... What do you guys think about raising your child to be "too nice?" Should we be raising our kids to be a bit more tough?
This is a hard one for me to post about because 1. I have only been teaching for 3 years, and 2. I don't encounter it that often in my population of students. My students know what bullying is, but they live such "happy go lucky lives" that they are not bullies, don't get bullied, or don't really process it as bullying. The closest thing I can relate to bullying in my classroom environment is the other B word.... BOSSING! That is a larger problem in my classroom. My students are such "rule followers" and some of them are so routine oriented, that I tend to have more "teachers" in the classroom than I ever wanted. I have one or two students who tend to be the bossy ones. My students will refer to it at "_________ was being bossy in the cafeteria". Other times, I have students trying to give directions to others, that should be coming from me. Recently, one student has been doing it, trying to be a leader, but he's been sending the needier student to the wrong place, or giving the wrong instructions. That is VERY frustrating to me. Not only do you have students with disabilities who struggle with every day tasks, you then have another student telling them the WRONG information, sending them to the wrong class, confusing them more, delaying the activities, and causing me headaches in the first 15 minutes of the day!
ReplyDeleteSo how do I deal with this? I don't really have any outside resources because I haven't needed to resort to them. But here is what I do:
Class Meetings - I need to be simple, and literal with my students. When there is an issue, we discuss it as a class. Some would think that I am exploiting the situation, but really, I'm letting everyone know at one time, what the expectations are. It is a reminder for all of them! It also gives everyone the opportunity to bring up concerns that we may not have been aware of.
"I am the teacher" - Usually, I do a fill in the sentence conversation with the student. This is for the students who are telling other students what to do in my presence. "I am the ________ (teacher). I give out the ________(directions). You are the __________(student). Your job is to follow ___________(directions). Am I clear? (yes)" I usually then explain to the student why it was a problem that they did that.
So bullying isn't an issue for us... but the bossing is.... but I have to say, my kids are bossy because rules and fairness are important to them. When they see people breaking the rules, or not being fair, they don't like that... the world doesn't make sense then... which I get! Also, they like to be helpful. They want to help their peers... but just don't do it correctly sometimes.
It is sad how mean some children can be towards others. Many students feel a sense of empowerment hiding behind a screen saying awful things to their peers. I am always shocked, at even a fifth grade level, the type of language that many students use on social media sites. At our school we have four anti bullying lessons per grade level with the counselor each year. There is also one assembly each year that is targeted towards this issue. I find at my grade level, girls in particular really can be hard on other girls. Also, it seems to be the grade level where a lot of drama gets started because of students becoming interested in the opposite gender. The school also implemented a "Bucket Filler" program where students are rewarded for positive behavior and comments amongst their classmates.
ReplyDeleteWrapping it all up
ReplyDeleteTo summarize our discussion on “Queen Bees and Wannabees,” it appears that social challenges occur with both boys and girls at all grade levels. The Character Counts program appears to be a common program among a few teachers. Other teachers seem to pick and choose activities and books that work for them. Pete the Cat was a suggestion for a picture book at the elementary level. The rooster example is a great story to share with students at all levels. Odd Girl Out is a book for teachers and older students to read and learn from. One thing that teachers seemed to agree on is the fact that we, as teachers, need to make it a priority to teach character and social norms.